When A Father Abandon's A Child
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When a father leaves a child's life it is one of the most devastating experiences. Fortunately in America it something that happens very often in many children's lives. Mother's are often left to raise their children alone and be both a mother and father.
For what ever reason men have walked away because they rather not deal with the angry women. Women usually have their valid points, they are looking out for their young children. They have a rough time always raising the children alone, coming up with the finances to support the child.
Some men make very good fathers, and others just don't have the strength or very weak, to be a father for what ever reason. Their are millions of reasons and stories why a father doesn't step up to the plate.
Fortunately the child suffers along the way, because they do not understand why the father is not there, just being that a father. What ever the excuse is it is destroys their self esteem. It makes them feel they are very unloved, and not treasured, or lovable. That child internalizes it, thinking they did something wrong to deserve it. It is not something they can forget the rest of their lives. It is always in the back of their minds. They feel they did something terrible to make their father walk away.
It is painful, making any child feel anger towards the father for leaving them. Abandoning them, just disappearing out of their lives with no explanation. It is damaging to their emotions. That child learns at an early age their self worth is not important. In the back of their mind they feel that if their father left, they must be an ugly person, someone that is not worth anything.
The child will go through life with abandonment issues. Always waiting for the next person to leave. Sabotaging their relationships. Entering bad unhealthy relationships, that will inflict more abandonment, because they will have learned to hold on to tightly, suffocating others, because they are so afraid of someone leaving them.
There will always be an emptiness inside invading them, and that they are missing a part of their lives. Always wondering why this has happened to them. Every time some one leaves from their life it brings the same emotions back, and they relive it over and over again.
A child has to learn to heal and to forgive. They never do get an answer even when they do find their father. They usually never know why. That even makes it worse. Growing up without a father and than meeting them again later in life. The child doesn't associate that person as their father. They don't know them. They are complete strangers.
The child is totally disconnected from that relationship, and can not understand how to bond with that father. They've never been there to support them emotionally, spiritually, or physically.
It's not even about finances to the child, which is the main reason parents fight. The child just knows the father is not there.
When the father's new relationships are there as well when you have a reunion, they think they understand the child's story. They think the child is being inconsiderate and rude for not wanting to be a part of the father's life, although the child never new the father to begin with. The Step parent might feel the child should be communicating with the father, sending them holiday cards, messages, or gifts, yet the step parent is not aware of the situation that the father never did that either along the way.
The child is expected to welcome a father back into their lives with open arms, although wounded in the heart from the start. It is a very deep emotional injury, yet the father has no clue to what he has actually done to hurt his child. Although he may have felt he was doing the best thing at the time, a child just needs the love of a father.
The child may learn to forgive the father, but the child never forgets that the father left them. They will always be waiting for the father to leave again and again. There is no security, nor trust, nor stability in the relationship.
That bond was broken when he left, and can not be easily repaired. Usually the father does leave over and over again. The child just learns that the father will never be there. Never count on it ever happening, so the child just detaches understanding that the father was never meant to be a father because he has never healed his own heart.
He has never taken the steps to explain why, or repair it. He has never held it with care, nor ever treasured it. The child deserved to be loved again, but the child's heart should only be trusted with someone that values that heart of the child with gentleness, and kindness.
A father must love that child unconditionally, be their through his actions, and not words, be consistent, and trustworthy. That father must be dependable, walk the walk, and talk the talk. It is not the responsibility of the child to go after the father. The father is the one that left. If he really wants to be a part of a child's life he should take part in that child's life.
Healthy father's call their children, spend time with them, take them out to dinner, to movies, spend time with them fishing, camping, and so many other joys in life.
A father that loves you, holds you, embraces you with his love, and never leaves. A father will stand up for you, lead the way by his example, shelter you from storms, give you wisdom, make you laugh, and listen to you. He will hold your hand, and hug you, and tell you how much he loves you. Encourage you to succeed in all your hopes and dreams. He will walk with you, teach you how to dance, and how to live life.
All rights reserved Hattiemattiemae Spiritweaver April 4, 2011
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Thank you Sunnie, for you compliment, very much appreciated! :)
When a Father leaves for another women and doesn't connect with his kids or makes an attempt too, that stays with a child forever. The only way to heal is forgiveness but not all can do that. Great hub...
yes, they do never forget. I think one has to be open to forgiveness, before they will choose to forgive another. But it is more for the self to heal, than for the other person. When you can forgive, it let's yourself free of the past.
Very true and it's unfair to the children, because there the innocent ones.. Great Hub Hattie
Thank you Heathyer69 glad you liked it! :)
This is really sad when a father abandons his child. The child may become excessive possessive as he grows up out of insecurity. You have written really well.
A child will never heal from the pain of abandonment. The only hope is through the never failing love of our Heavenly Father. I was blessed to have a father who worked hard and cared for his children when our mother was ill and gone for months. This was before the days this became a normal occurance.
This is a powerful and sad write Hattie.
I agree with you Hyphenbird. That is what is so awesome about our heaven in father is he is the best father anyone can have.
This is all so true. But there can even be negative ramifications where the father is present in body but just not interested in or has no time for the child. That can be devastating also as the child grows up feeling that they are not good enough and not worthy of their father's time and attention.
Our children's minds are so incredabily receptive and fragile in those formative years.
Thank you for this insightful and sad hub.
Your correct Fennelseed! Very right! Thanks!:)
So Beautiful Hattie and so right!
Voted Up and Awesome!
Thank you The clean life: appreciate your support! :)
I was quite entertain with your hub! Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing this article Hattle. Very informative...
I have a hub on this subject also. Would love to know what you think of it!
Thanks Kathleen, I will take a look at it! :)
Voted Up and Wonderful!
Thank you brandy! Thanks for the vote & for following! Glad you like it!
I'm a mother of 5 wonderful children. I have agree that a father abandoning is child(ren) is never forgotten by the child or by the mother. My youngest 3 daughters, Tiffanie,Mahilia,Kaylyn have been abandoned by their fathers. Tiffanie's father hasnt seen or talked her since she was one 1yr. old. She will be 6 Oct.13th. Mahilia"s father hasnt seen her since she was a week old. Kaylyn's father, well I with him for 2yrs and during my pregancy with her he was cheating on me; he has seen or talked to her since she was 6mths old and he has visition. She is 1yr old now. I have remarried and I have to say that tiffanie and mahilia and kaylyn's step-dad is more of dad to them then their own fathers. I'm very thankful they have a positive male role model in their life.
That is wonderful to hear you found a better man for you and your daughters. Best wishes! Thanks for sharing and yes we never do forget!
Great! Thanks for this hub.
Thank you Kelleyward!
Absolutely lovely. Really sums it up. Thanks for that.
Thank you ThussaysNanaMarie! :)
I was abandoned by my father since I was two. Now I am 50. Since he died of cancer, or so I was told. He left my mother and I at 2 years of age, my brother 1. I am a less than a year older than my brother. My mother worked three jobs to raise us with little time with her. We always new she loved us deeply. She never complained. Later in years I found out that she never got child support even though it was ordered. After moving in with family later, they treated us like we were not as important as their own children. My mother finally remarried to a great man. I now call him my father. He adoptied both my brother and I and put us through college. We were informed years ago that our paternal father had dies of cancer with six other children. I did not want to meet them or anything to do with them. He did not care or support my brother or I so why should I. I am not angry anymore at him. I have forgiven, but not forgotten the hurt. As of today I wonder if I am worthy of love from people other than my mother. I have a daughter which I protect from her father as he is a very controlling and verbally abusable man. Over the years I have learned to deal with it, but I will be dammed if he will hurt her. I stay because I know what its like to not have that unconditional love from a father. Someone to protect and give you comfort as a father figure. My husband is verbally abusive to myself and daughter. He controls the money. To him I am a woman from past years. He does not hit us. But verbal abuse is worst than physical abuse. I have only been married twice. My first was a very loving and attentative man until I married him. Six months later I
was burned with cigarettes, strangled, raped and many other things I do not want to repeat. I was so desparate for love from a man. I finally found the courage with my mother and stepfather to get away after he finally broke my nose and threated to kill everything I loved, My bird, dog and may family. I lost of ten pounds. I am only 110 normally. He always told me that if I left he would hunt me down me and everthing I loved and kill them. Again. I lived in fear. Now, I have been married for over twenty years pretenting to be happy. There is no doubt I will love my daughter forever. My question is again at what cost. Should I stay to give her a father as I needed, or should I leave and find another life? I want to be alone. What is to say that will happen to me? I do not trust my feelings or emotions anymore, I live by my fight or fight instinct except for my daughter, which I will protect with my life if needed. My daughter is most important in my life, so I want more than anything that she is happy and has a father figure in her life. I am also concerned that a change could affect her life as it has mine. I know her father loves her and will always apart of her life. How at this point in my life, I wonder if I will ever trust a man or be able to love a man. They always seem to take advantage and use me. I have been able to make love to a man, but they always hurt me in one way or another. I have learned not believe physical pleasure is a way of a expression of love, comfort or continmment. Its a means to a ends for the man. Love has many levels and I just do not just any men at all, except my stepfather. He adopted me, raised me and my brother, taught us to water ski, took me to cheerleading practice, etc. My dad was there when I went to high school, college, got married both times and is still there. He is really the only man I can count always. For a stepfather he has unconditional love for my brother and I. He and my mother have been our savior. I have no idea he could love other children, not his, as much as he does. He once told me that I was his. My problem is that I know he believes and feels it and I know that he loves me deeply but there is always a empty feeling in my heart. I have been told that you do not know what my paternal father went through at the time. I have forgiven him as he had a miserable death of pancreatic cancer. I found out when I was 22 and that he had six other kids. A total of 8 with my brother and I. I thank more than anything that I had a very loving mother brother, and stepfather as I was older, I had to raise him basically, I did not have much of a childhood, he was my brother and I had to and wanted to take of him.
Although you have been through a lot always ask yourself who you would be with out the story of the past. Today you have a right to put it behind you and have a positive life. It's very hard I know, but the more you learn what healthy relationships are, and the more you learn to love yourself and set boundaries the better you will feel, and feel more love from others than you have all your life. The past is gone forever, but today is a new day. We don't have to live in the pain and suffering anymore if we choose to let if go and heal. I hope that you will continue to grow stronger and become a survivor of life, and looks as if you are quite nicely. It may take some time, maybe even years, but one day you will be free when you choose work through your feelings and emotions one day at a time, one moment at a time.
I have lived without a father for a better part of my life, because he died in a road accident when I was 8. I am now 26, and another interesting thing is that, I have a love child aged 6, who has never seen her father. I am afraid that she may have to grow up without t her dad and that kills me. I have tried my best to connect my daughter and her dad, but the man isn't interested. It is not only hard to be a single mom, but very challenging too. But I think the men who don't take their responsibilities seriously are just weak. If you have time, please visit my hub, about a single mother's toughest question. http://sarahbodo.hubpages.com/hub/momsingle
Think it is very hard to be a single parent, but the most important thing is loving yourself and your child moving on with your life. Dead beat dads are usually not interested and not ready to be a father, sometimes not for a life time. The best thing you can do is just let go of the past, and have a beautiful life with our daughter never expecting anything from the father. If he does show interest at some time that is wonderful, but most often than not it is when the child is full grown. I will check out your hubs! :)
Great hub HattieMattieMae,very informative.
Being a single parent is difficult,but it's being done daily,so pat yourself on the back and keep moving.My son's father doesn't put in the time he needs to with our son then he doesn't understand that my son wants nothing to do with him now. I hope it passes and they can get it together,but it is what it is,their choice.
I used to make my son call his Dad once a week,well one week I forgot and a month went by. I asked him to call his Dad and he responded, "Why,he's not calling me."
I've never said anything negative and have always promoted a bond between the two,but it's not happening.
So I'm happy he truly knows the love of a parent,and that he's a very respectful,intelligent young man.
Blessings!
I agree with you Rastamermaid, glad you have done such a great job! :)
For Moonlight -There is always hope. Your Mum is an example. Don't paint all men in the same brush. There is someone out there for you. Keep yourself happy regardless. If you end up as a single parent then consider the tips in the following hub.http://thussaysnanamarie.hubpages.com/hub/Taking-M
If you do leave and meet another then don't judge a book by its cover. It takes some polishing to get the diamond from the piece of carbon based stone it comes from.
A good parent does not have to be biological.
Thank you ThusaysNanaMarie, very true!:)
You wrote a great Hub about a subject that needs much repair. Tens of millions of Americans are growing without their fathers, and without a model of a healthy husband-wife relationship to see with their own eyes every day. The social pathologies that result are manifold and well known. Thank you.
Thank you James, for reading and adding your insight! :)
My children's dad left their lives 5 years ago, he only contacted his youngest daughter nearly 2 years ago to tell her about his beautiful new girlfriend and show her pictures of her, no consideration was shown for her feelings r his other 2 children. He spends time now with his future step children and doesn't even bother to send a birthday card r christmas card to his own flesh and blood. He has been told through mediation that his 3 children feel abandoned by him but still no contact r any emotion showed towards them, my eldest daughter has tried to get him to b involved in her life and open u many opportunities for this but has been constantly let down. The pain they have gone through by this
Sorry to hear that Susan, I think you have to understand that we can't change other people. There is a prayer I learned long time ago. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. What I've learned out of life is we can never change other people, their beliefs, actions, or behaviors. All we can do is change our own. I empathize with you and your children and believe that it would be better if father's did take responsibility for the children in their lives. I would have to say that through time you and your children will heal and see the difference between the people that truly are interested in them and you. We can never answer why people make the choices they do in our lives. We can only let go of it, grieve over it, and move forward to happier and healthier relationships in our lives. You're children do suffer a lot from it emotionally, and it does leave issues for them to resolve. I think for your daughter it will be a struggle for many years to accept she never had the father she wished to have in her life. I think at the same time God will put a father figure in her life to show her the beauty inside of her own soul. He will also teach her to have self worth and respect for herself. I don't feel fathers understand what they are doing to their children when they leave. I feel it is issues of their past themselves they are dealing with, and until they heal themselves, they can not be the father they should be. It is sad living in a world we do when many children need their fathers and mothers. We can only try to teach our children to move beyond and be positive rolemodels in our society for the future. I think the best thing you can do is love your children and teach them the right way. As they grow older they will see the difference, and recognize what beautiful mom they have. :)
Reading this has made me realise things that i never have before. My father left me wen i was 2yrs old. I always thought it never effected me but it has in secret ways. Im only 20 and i just want to find a way to help thr pain. Glad someone can show ppl wat its like to go through.
Thank you Samanatha, I'm sure it has affected you, but I think the pain can be healed over time. I think in a sense it is just like grieving or the loss of someone. It is just good to express yourself about it, and let it go once and for all. :)
whether the pain can or cannot be healed over time is secondary to moral responsibility. it is wrong and damaging to children. it is a pain that will forever linger.
Thank you anonymous. I agree with you it does linger, and painful. It is the responsibility of the father to be a father, but often it is not done. At some point in time you can let go of the pain and suffering and it is possible. Just have to make the choice to let go of it, and move on with your life. Choosing to be happy instead of holding on to the past that is no longer here. :)
I was abandoned by my dad when i was 1. My mom married an abusive man that was never there for me or anyone for that matter. Then when I was 10 or 11, i was told by mom(never was and still isn't very helpful or even aware of my pain) that the man she married was my step-dad, and my real dad left me. A couple weeks before my 13 bday, my uncle found my dad over facebook and arranged a meeting the following weekend. I met him, did all the reunited crap that happens at a time like that. For the next month, we did stuff every weekend like fishing, dinners, etc. I learned that he had a new wife, kids, and other family members he cared for now. I almost hated him at the time for allowing himself to care more for his new family than he did for his first born that he ditched. Finally, after that month, all communication stopped. I figured that if he really cared about me, than he would call me and not the other way around. Sure enough, nothing. I am now 16, it has been almost 3 years since those times, and everytime my birthday comes around, I become almost depressed. It is no longer "Happy" bday for me since a 2 weeks after he left me for a second time after acting as if he cared. I still don't understand why he did this and it leaves me crying myself to sleep for 3 or 4 days a week. So, when I read this article, I cried more than I have in a long time. I haven't really shown emotions ever so when I did while reading, I guess it allowed me to know that I still can "Feel" anything in my heart. But, I'm still sure that I will never know the feeling of having a father that actually cares about you.
Jordan, very sorry to hear that! Yes It is a very painful experience to go through and send my prayers out to you. Crying is a good thing and releasing your emotions and feelings. Grieving is a part of it. Just know that you are lovable regardless if your father is a part of your life or not. I think in some families it is very difficult for the father and child to reunite and stay connected. The bond was never made, there are many hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I think only time can really heal the pain and emptiness. Best wishes ! :)
Sunnie Day Level 8 Commenter 13 months ago
Beautiful Hattie..Thank you for sharing..you said it all!
Sunnie