A Good Relationship Starts With You

When you come into this world you have nothing, but yourself. Most of the time we are looking for the answers outside of ourselves. Spending money on books, audio tapes, tools to help us find our way through relationships. They try to promise you this will work to have the perfect relationship with another person. I will never sugar coat anything. You really have to dig down deep in yourself and find the root cause of your pain and suffering individually. There are only two reasons people fail in their marriages and relationships. One is childhood issues you never dealt with. I'm not blaming parents, but this is where it stems from their belief systems. Basically you have learned everything you know from your parents and others that have surrounded your life. You are always looking outside for the answers whether it's them or tools to help you. While you put the money in their pockets making them rich you might learn a lot about communication, setting boundaries, praying and having faith, maybe even get past your fears. You can read a million pages, a zillion words, but until you are ready to face yourself and do your work, you will never be free of the pain and suffering. The second is the foundation you create right at the begining of the relationship. The way you communicate verbally, whether you are open and honest, allowing the other to be themselves. If you have not started with a strong foundation, lieing, cheating, and hiding behind fears, it's not a strong foundation.

We can always be blaming the partner for what ever reason. Take your eyes off the partner. It's not about them. It's about you. This life is about you. No one else. If you don't step out of the pain and suffering you will never find the right partner, break your heart a million times, and ask yourself why you are in the same place over and over again. You will be until you decide to take your life seriously. The answers are always inside of you. If you only have one point of view, you will only see life from that perspective, and to be in a relationship you have to understand that we are more like kaleidoscopes with different pictures and brilliant colors. There are different angles of our minds, why we feel the way we do, why we see things the way we do. It takes a lot of work to have a healthy relationship with someone. It's a lot of work to have a relationship with yourself. If you don't find your own worth, you will never find the worth of another human being. If you are always waiting for some one to validate who you are, or give you approval, you will always end up losing. You have to find the confidence to be your true self. You can't go around life trying to please everyone in your life. This would only be more harmful to your self.

How much do you really want a relationship to work, and are you in it for the long haul, or just there for the moment to get sex, lust, and just there until you get bored and move on to the next person? It takes patience, understanding, and faith to be there for the long haul. There will be times when you will have to wait on your partner to catch up with you spiritually, emotionally, and be at the same level as you. Just because a man is not open with you, doesn't mean they are out cheating on you. You have to understand that men take longer to process things and learn things, and their brains work differently.

It's important to understand that no one will always be there forever. Either eventually they will grow and go their separate ways, or they will die. It just depends on how important and serious they take life and their relationship with you. Sometimes we are learning lessons along the way attracting others right where we are in the moment. They are just a mirror image of you in the moment. The condition your mind is in. For example, If you are using drugs, of course you might be drawn to a drug addict that never meets your needs emotionally, intimately, or physically. You can be in a relationship and dead as a door nail. You will be lonely and feeling alone. The distance is created through the silence, and there is no communication. It's sitting there year after year understanding unless both of you want to create something better, it will never change. The hardest lesson to learn is that you have to love yourself regardless if that partner remains in your life. You can't lose yourself because someone has issues, and not ready to love you the way you need to be loved in the moment. It doesn't make them a bad person. They are just not ready yet.

It's easy to focus on the other person. It's not them. It's you. It's your perception of things, the negative self talk, the stories you create in your head. Holding on to your story from the past. All the times you have been victimized and bruised. It's feeling sorry for yourself and thinking you don't deserve something better when you do deserve it, it's just your belief system. Part of it is is finding people that will support you emotionally and spiritually helping you go in the right direction. If you are listening to naysayers and negative people, you will have a mind that is cloudy and confused. You will rewind their voices in your head over and over again.

Never make choices based on what other people say. Follow your own heart. Usually the first answer you have is the right answer. You know if something is not right for you. You know it will work or never work. You just don't listen to yourself. Turn off the noise outside of your mind, and walk into the room of quietness and silence and search within for the answers. Look up at God or your source. Those are the two most important relationships. He gave you everything you ever need to succeed in this life. You have the answers no one else does. It's all up to you what you want to create in your life. Life is always a blank canvas. Start painting exactly what you want to feel, see, and experience, until it becomes the life you have been looking forward to all your life. To get there you have to stop being the victim, and be the survivor. Understand you don't have to live in a pain and suffering. You don't have to live in anxiety and fears. You just have to do the work on yourself, and love you. When you get there you will see life is so much better because you stepped out of the darkness and into the light. Walk out of your hell into heaven. When you have that partner that has done his work too, he will be there standing on the shore, because he chose the same path as you.

All rights reserved Hattiemattiemae Spiritweaver November 4, 2011